Sunday nights..

I always battle with myself on Sunday nights, refusing to go to bed because that will make my weekend end sooner. As a result I fall into bed knackered and wake up feeling tired, but it’s a vicious circle.

Weekends are full of reading, catching up with housework, family togetherness, relaxing, and being social. Everything you can’t manage during the week. During the week we are in work mode, at work and then come home to dinner, ironing, cleaning and bed for another day. Repeat that five times.

I’m not sure what the answer is… Without work the wonderful house we have scrimped for is at risk so it’s a miserable necessity.

When getting excited for an upcoming birthday disappears

I observe a child excitedly awaiting their fourteenth birthday. Every month saying “Only two more months till my birthday” and it got me thinking 🤔… When did I stop getting excited for upcoming birthday? I remember turning thirty and feeling ok with that. I mean I wasn’t counting down the days, mainly due to the fact I worked in an industry where most were younger than me and I was labelled ‘the mum’ at just ten years older than them! 😦 Being in your thirties is still young I thought to myself…

So when did I stop looking forward to my upcoming birthday. Thinking back I remember first feeling like that at 34. Crazy I know as that’s still young but to me at that time, celebrating 34 meant I was nearly 40! Oh I would jump at the chance of being 34 now. I would be LOVING the age of 34 right now!

You can’t turn back time but you can enjoy the now 😉 I’m popping a great big arrow ⬇️ on the next birthday, and starting the countdown now. 📆 Maybe it will help me feel like that 13 year old or maybe it will just depress me more. I will update after that date and let you all know which it was 👍🏻

An afternoon stroll

It’s a cold, but sunny Saturday afternoon. As I look up at the blue skies I see the moon looking down at me.

Tears are streaming from my eyes, not because I’m sad but because it’s so cold. I pass two giggling girl friends, laughing about who knows what whilst looking at a mobile phone. A woman out walking her dog, walking briskly, both contently concentrating and barely recognising my existence on the same path. Further along an elderly couple pass me, one with a Zimmer frame, all wrapped up from the bitter cold and chatting away to each other as they stroll. They seem happy I think to myself.

After a while I arrive at a local shop. Relieved to get in the warm, I wander aimlessly around the shop staring at the shelves, and then like a lightbulb moment, I click into shop mode remembering my lists I’ve made of things I need. Darn, the shop had all but one important ingredient I need for Monday. Now I’m going to have to go out again tomorrow in a different direction to a different store.

Back outside, sun still shining I head back home with a somewhat heavier bag than I went out with. Yes I will confess, I did buy some things that weren’t necessary. Namely a box of processed meat and snack bars. Anyway off I go. My walk back is pleasant, although cold the setting sun shines brightly in front of me. Somehow it makes me feel warmer… Well they do say that the sun is a great mood lifter. At that moment I feel quite happy. My heavy bag seemed lighter, my aches and pains drifted away.

Nearing home I start to think about what needs to be done when I get home. I once again stare up at the skies twinkly through tree branches overhead. The trees still seem to be in Winter mode, no leaves or buds. I see the blue sky beyond. Just beautiful!

All I want is a place to call home…

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Trying desperately to get on the housing market like many other folk but really not getting anywhere :/ In this current time we are having to literally scrape every penny we’ve got, stretching ourselves to the hilt just to be able to afford to stay living where we are. We find a suitable house, offer the asking price and then find ourselves in a pricing war where bidders are asked for best and final. The asking price goes way over, and yet again we find ourselves loosing another house we have set our hearts on.

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The first two houses we liked where snatched out of our hands by firstly a buy-to-let buyer, and then secondly by a rich guy looking to use a bit of his money on doing a house up and then re-selling it making himself a buck in the process! All we want is a family home, yet they are getting snatched out of our hands by people wanting to make a fast buck! It’s not fair!

On this third occasion I was so grieved and upset that I let my grief get the better of me, and let my anger go directly at the poor girl giving me the bad news. I accused her of having greedy vendors and not doing enough to help us achieve the house. She told me ‘Put yourself in the vendors shoes… Would you accept an asking price offer, or if you had the chance, play your buyers against each other to achieve yourself more money?’ And that is where I shocked her. I know there are not many like me, and in the past couple of days I’ve been called a fool for this opinion, but I said ‘No! For me it wouldn’t be about who offered me the most money I would consider their circumstances. Whether they were a family, were they going to be nice neighbours? Were they going to look after the house and all the love I had already out into it? But like I said it seems to be just me who thinks like this, and that is why our world has so many issues. Too much greed and not enough of just being there to help each other.

 

 

Family girl struggling with life apart from her family

                                                                 
For around 15 years now I’ve gone my own way, lived my life. In this time I’ve barely seen my family, circumstance has meant that I only get to see them every other holiday time.  Every day to every other holiday (3 times a year) is quite a difference. 

I’m now left with the feeling that my family have moved on without me. Although I’m very much in their thoughts and we chat a two to three times a week over the phone, I feel like I don’t really know them anymore. I miss knowing my Mum, knowing what she does every day. I miss shopping with her, and I miss our chats over a cuppa or a glass of wine.

I’ve tried so many times to convince my Mum to move closer to me but she won’t, she’s happy where she is. My little family that I have created in the last fifteen years is happy here, so what do I do? Do I sacrifice my needs for my husband and children’s happiness? My worry is that one day I’m going to look around and my Mums gone, and I’ll regret not spending more time with her when I had the chance. I know I’ll feel like that, because it’s how I feel about the time lost not seeing my Nan whom died a few years ago. My Nan and I were really close, I was her favourite as such. But in the lead up to her death, she barely saw me or the family I was creating.  I regret letting my life getting in the way of spending time with her, and now the same is happening with my Mum.

If I do move back near my Mum we will be priced out of the housing market, as it’s more expensive to live where she is, so won’t be able to buy a house. Therefore affecting my husbands and children’s lives… The conundrum: Do the best for the family I have created? Or give that up to be near to those that I’ve loved and adored my whole life? How do you make a decision like that? 

I miss my family, but my own little family have a life and friends here…

Made for TV movies. Whether you like them or loathe them, there’s a place for them in my heart :)

Yeh I know what your thinking… Notoriously bad acting, cheesy, or as my friend would say boring! But I adore them! I will admit some are bad, but quite a few are diamonds in the rough. Your typical Clark Kent story.

You know what I mean when I say Clark Kent story… Girl meets a nice plain guy or a guy next door type of bloke, thinks nothing more of him. Meets another guy who’s super fit and dashing. Girl ends up realising that the plain guy is all she need, he is super inside and out.  These are in effect what happens in made for TV movies. Every time your guaranteed to end the movie feel warm, fuzzy and with a smile on your face!

These type of movies I can watch over and over again. There’s quite a few top list actors and actresses that have built there careers on movies like these. Sure I like modern day action and adventure, but they also present you with many things that are not so great about our modern day. (Lies, cheating, hurting, killing, abuse, stealing)

Example: As I sat enjoying a ‘made for TV’ favourite of mine (watching it for the 2nd time), my friend looks over to the TV and notices an actor, ‘what’s that actors name?’ I shrug. I’m then asked ‘what’s it called?’ As I tell them I see eyes rolling and an expression of ‘eh’ followed by a sarcastic ‘ok then!’  I’m watching Beauty and the Briefcase for the 2nd time.

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Long live Made for TV Movies 🙂

Life Changing Moments…

A time when we realise we are in a tense situation, but with fear we progress because we either know we have to or because we realise it’s for something we really want.

Yesterday I had one of those moments… I was nervous as hell, but knew I had to do it so took a deep breath and did my best! You know what I really had a good time. It didn’t all go right or to plan but I did it!

We don’t get many life changing moments like this, and you really don’t know when they are about to happen but bam! It appears!

Embrace these moments! They WILL empower you!

I look in the mirror and I see my mother before me

What happened, where did the time go?

I go the bathroom to brush my teeth, feeling like me. When I’ve finished, I look into the mirror and all of a sudden I don’t see me anymore. I see a slighter older lady with a bit of weight on her. I stare in amazement, that older lady staring back at me is me.

I remember thinking when I was younger my mum is wonderful, but she does have a bit of weight on her and is getting on a bit. She was only late thirties! When I was 7 that felt really old, now I realise that it was still very young.

I don’t know when I changed into my mother, was it when I had children of my own? But I know now that I have to accept that I have become that woman. My first thoughts… I need to lose a bit of weight. These were probably my mums thoughts too, after all she is still battling to lose weight!

Working your way up the career ladder via your wife!

I find it very tiresome hanging out with women whom make friends with selected people, because it enhances their husbands chance of career success. It’s so false!

I quietly observe them throwing compliments at each other and letting out false giggles. They plan bake sales, and then make someone else do the work for them. They mingle, and then introduce themselves as the charitable saviour. Their husbands show up, smartly dressed at the wife’s orders. They are not allowed to eat or randomly chat, they are simply required to stand by their wife’s side as she whisks them around the room! Of course only conversing with her choice of people.

In reality the ‘chosen person’ they have selected to run the stall has either a husband not in the right job, or they don’t live in the right type of house or area. This person gratefully accepts the task, imitating their over-the-top flattering, in the hope of getting included.
I’m in this group of unaccepted people, except I sit on the fence. Not somewhere I’m proud to be, but somewhere I’ve kind of got forced to be by refusing to join in with their behaviours.

I hear you asking why am I there? Well simply because I attend the same weekly activity as them. An activity I happen to love, but am seriously thinking about doing in a different town!